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Guy Who’s “Not Into Movies” More Than Happy to Give Constructive Criticism on Woman’s Shortlisted Sundance Film

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Despite Myles Prickett’s general disdain for the moving image, he was, in what some are calling “an impressive display of sacrifice,” extremely willing to workshop his old college-hook-up’s first feature, which has been shortlisted at the prestigious film festival, Sundance, this season. “He just contacted me out of nowhere,” Vivian Taylor told our correspondent. “It took me a second to figure out who he was, but then he said ‘Myles, with a y,’ and it all those repressed memories of faking an orgasm to the sound of a Bon Iver vinyl came rushing back.” Prickett asserts that, though he was only able to get through about two minutes of the film, he definitely has an auteur’s eye to bring to that little whimsy of Vivian’s. “It’s pretty cool of Myles to help out Violet or whatever her name was, after all these years,” says Myles’ best friend from college, Ethan, who was in at least five round-table seminars with Vivian.  “Especially, considering, you know, the fact that he’s no
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Is There Water In Your Ear Or Are You Drunk?

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So it’s been 2018 for a week now, and you’ve been noticing you’re having trouble walking in a straight line.   There are so many potential reasons for this—maybe you’re just a free spirit and straight lines are too rigid a path for you to cut! But ultimately, what it comes down to, is—are you sporting a small river of water in your right ear, or are you maybe drunk off your ass? Have you gone Deep Sea Diving Recently? A.    Yes, just last week!   Nothing like a tank of oxygen to get your heart pumping after that sea-weed-dick Brian left it crumpled and static! B.     No, but I have been diving headfirst into Champagne fountains! Do You Take Regular Baths? A.    Yes, how best to relax after a year/lifetime of emotional labor but a good ol’ soak up to the eyeballs twice or five times a day? B.     No, unless you mean drowning my sorrows in never ending Fish Bowls with the girls—in that case, yes! Have you recently had a bucket of water dumped on your head? A.    Ye
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Top 8 Ways To Make That Boy Like You

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1. like every single thing he's ever posted on his Facebook account.  trust me, you may be tempted to skip that one status about that open mic night he hosted in 8th grade, but don't do it.  if you want him to like you, you need to show that you LIKE him! 2. don't skirt around the issue. just do his taxes. nothing says i'm into you like boosting him up into a new tax bracket ;^)) 3. ruin every social tie he has, friend or otherwise. Then all his time will be free!!! 4. have a good, long, Skype call with his grandma.  ask her for hot hot HOT sex tips. you know what they say, it gets better w/ age 5. Burn his belongings but in a fun way! fire is hot!!! 6. pull out all of his hair bit by bit every day in unnoticeable amounts. He'll get wet over this. give it to him as an anniversary gift. 7. tell him you're saving yourself for death. Demise makes the dick rise ;) 8. kill him. as the knife comes closer he'll realize who he's had a big crush on
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Local Woman Insists She’s Not a Libra Despite Two Eyewitness Accounts Stating Otherwise

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Gemima Langsboro caused quite an uproar in her small town of Starsville, CT, when she publicly denounced her Libra-hood on Monday, insisting that she was rather, a Virgo.   Despite two eyewitness accounts stating otherwise, she has held her ground, though her statements are contested by her Birth Certificate, Drivers License, Fake ID, Sephora Rewards Card, and numerous other forms of identification. “I was standing by in the hospital room at 10:30 a.m. on September 23, 2000, when she came bursting out of her mother’s vagina,” father, John Langsboro, told our correspondent. “It’s not like she was even born close to midnight,” mother, Susie Langsboro, continued. “We don’t understand.   We didn’t raise her this way.” Gemima continues to assert her Virgo-hood, citing her independent nature, definitive quality of Earth signage, and affinity with such notable Virgos as Cameron Diaz, Queen Elizabeth I, and Mother Theresa.   “I just feel like my parents don’t see the real me—
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Four New Years Resolutions for 2018 To Not Fulfill Because They Would Make Your Boyfriend Feel Inferior

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2017 is wrapping up, and everyone is thinking about what the New Year will bring.   Here are some resolutions you can think about, but ultimately decide not to enact because they just might make your boyfriend feel worse about himself! 1.      Exercising Let alone joining a gym, don’t go for a daily walk or even opt for the stairs this year—your boyfriend will only feel worse about the hours he spends on the couch scrolling through the RIP Vine Sub-Reddit.   Instead, pick options like taking a nap, Power-Resting, or Extreme Sitting in 2018—you’ll probably feel worse for it, but your relationship will maintain the ideal gender balance! 2.      Say ‘Yes’ More Often This is a tried and true resolution that could open you up to a whole new world of possibilities, people, and pastimes—so DON’T do it!   Do you want to leave your boyfriend behind as you jaunt off on work trips to Europe, a night out with the girls, or a ceramics class every Wednesday night? That might leave him
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Thoughts: Instructions for My Funeral If I Die Unmarried Because I Still Need “My” Day

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Every woman knows her life leads up to one big day: her wedding. But what if I die before that? If I never get the chance to be a bride, that’s totally fine. Really. I’m fine. But I need my vision, my beauty to shine somehow. So, to who is planning my funeral, this is how I want it and I don’t CARE if you are paying dad I said this is how I want it.   I want to wear something princess-y, but also very tight, sexy, modern, and ethereal. Yes, just like Kate Middleton. Yank the corset as tight as it will go, which will be an inch or two smaller than I am now thanks to a generous organ donation. If my hair is bleached at the time of my death please return it to a traditional Jewish Brown. It’s time to settle down into a more classic beauty. My wild days filled with pleasures of the flesh are over! The mortician cannot touch my makeup, I’ve arranged a palette with Fabio (you know which Fabio!). I’m sorry to be fussy, but we’re talking about forever here, my forever!             This
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