Thoughts: Instructions for My Funeral If I Die Unmarried Because I Still Need “My” Day

Every woman knows her life leads up to one big day: her wedding. But what if I die before that? If I never get the chance to be a bride, that’s totally fine. Really. I’m fine. But I need my vision, my beauty to shine somehow. So, to who is planning my funeral, this is how I want it and I don’t CARE if you are paying dad I said this is how I want it.  
I want to wear something princess-y, but also very tight, sexy, modern, and ethereal. Yes, just like Kate Middleton. Yank the corset as tight as it will go, which will be an inch or two smaller than I am now thanks to a generous organ donation.
If my hair is bleached at the time of my death please return it to a traditional Jewish Brown. It’s time to settle down into a more classic beauty. My wild days filled with pleasures of the flesh are over! The mortician cannot touch my makeup, I’ve arranged a palette with Fabio (you know which Fabio!). I’m sorry to be fussy, but we’re talking about forever here, my forever!
            This is not the kind of funeral where I want people crying and moping around. If you look at the stock photos in my funeral pinterest board, everyone is smiling, dancing to Earth, Wind & Fire, and there’s a little kid in a suit trying to balance on an adult’s feet. God knows why they are doing that, probably to feel taller, and therefore older and closer to death. Every little girl will want to be me when they see my open casket. They’ll think, “Now there is someone who got it all. The forever we all dream about, and she looks perfectly contoured.”
            Not to be all corpse-zilla about this but I can only die happy with a completely medieval-themed funeral. I’m not even sure what that means but it would be amazing if you guys could figure it out. The casket should be covered in a pale pink velvet topped with a mountain of peonies–no, not those, those are hydrangeas. Do I look tacky? Like some hydrangea-loving trash dog? I feel like none of you really understand my vision and I don’t understand how I can enjoy eternity if everyone is out to get me like this.

All I want is a very classic palette but with a twist that really lets them know they’re at my funeral. My friends can tell some embarrassing stories about me and everyone can imagine me kind of rolling my eyes in humiliation while my actual lids remain firmly closed and lifeless. My dad will tear up as he lifts a glass of white wine (open bar!) and you guys will all sit there together and see how supremely individual I am while tastefully adhering to tradition. It’s sexy, but very catholic, but very modern. Thank you!


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