Thoughts: Instructions for My Funeral If I Die Unmarried Because I Still Need “My” Day

By
Every woman knows her life leads up to one big day: her wedding. But what if I die before that? If I never get the chance to be a bride, that’s totally fine. Really. I’m fine. But I need my vision, my beauty to shine somehow. So, to who is planning my funeral, this is how I want it and I don’t CARE if you are paying dad I said this is how I want it.  
I want to wear something princess-y, but also very tight, sexy, modern, and ethereal. Yes, just like Kate Middleton. Yank the corset as tight as it will go, which will be an inch or two smaller than I am now thanks to a generous organ donation.
If my hair is bleached at the time of my death please return it to a traditional Jewish Brown. It’s time to settle down into a more classic beauty. My wild days filled with pleasures of the flesh are over! The mortician cannot touch my makeup, I’ve arranged a palette with Fabio (you know which Fabio!). I’m sorry to be fussy, but we’re talking about forever here, my forever!
            This is not the kind of funeral where I want people crying and moping around. If you look at the stock photos in my funeral pinterest board, everyone is smiling, dancing to Earth, Wind & Fire, and there’s a little kid in a suit trying to balance on an adult’s feet. God knows why they are doing that, probably to feel taller, and therefore older and closer to death. Every little girl will want to be me when they see my open casket. They’ll think, “Now there is someone who got it all. The forever we all dream about, and she looks perfectly contoured.”
            Not to be all corpse-zilla about this but I can only die happy with a completely medieval-themed funeral. I’m not even sure what that means but it would be amazing if you guys could figure it out. The casket should be covered in a pale pink velvet topped with a mountain of peonies–no, not those, those are hydrangeas. Do I look tacky? Like some hydrangea-loving trash dog? I feel like none of you really understand my vision and I don’t understand how I can enjoy eternity if everyone is out to get me like this.

All I want is a very classic palette but with a twist that really lets them know they’re at my funeral. My friends can tell some embarrassing stories about me and everyone can imagine me kind of rolling my eyes in humiliation while my actual lids remain firmly closed and lifeless. My dad will tear up as he lifts a glass of white wine (open bar!) and you guys will all sit there together and see how supremely individual I am while tastefully adhering to tradition. It’s sexy, but very catholic, but very modern. Thank you!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Guy Who’s “Not Into Movies” More Than Happy to Give Constructive Criticism on Woman’s Shortlisted Sundance Film

By
Despite Myles Prickett’s general disdain for the moving image, he was, in what some are calling “an impressive display of sacrifice,” extremely willing to workshop his old college-hook-up’s first feature, which has been shortlisted at the prestigious film festival, Sundance, this season. “He just contacted me out of nowhere,” Vivian Taylor told our correspondent. “It took me a second to figure out who he was, but then he said ‘Myles, with a y,’ and it all those repressed memories of faking an orgasm to the sound of a Bon Iver vinyl came rushing back.” Prickett asserts that, though he was only able to get through about two minutes of the film, he definitely has an auteur’s eye to bring to that little whimsy of Vivian’s. “It’s pretty cool of Myles to help out Violet or whatever her name was, after all these years,” says Myles’ best friend from college, Ethan, who was in at least five round-table seminars with Vivian.  “Especially, considering, you know, the fact that he’s no
Read more

Local Woman Insists She’s Not a Libra Despite Two Eyewitness Accounts Stating Otherwise

By
Gemima Langsboro caused quite an uproar in her small town of Starsville, CT, when she publicly denounced her Libra-hood on Monday, insisting that she was rather, a Virgo.   Despite two eyewitness accounts stating otherwise, she has held her ground, though her statements are contested by her Birth Certificate, Drivers License, Fake ID, Sephora Rewards Card, and numerous other forms of identification. “I was standing by in the hospital room at 10:30 a.m. on September 23, 2000, when she came bursting out of her mother’s vagina,” father, John Langsboro, told our correspondent. “It’s not like she was even born close to midnight,” mother, Susie Langsboro, continued. “We don’t understand.   We didn’t raise her this way.” Gemima continues to assert her Virgo-hood, citing her independent nature, definitive quality of Earth signage, and affinity with such notable Virgos as Cameron Diaz, Queen Elizabeth I, and Mother Theresa.   “I just feel like my parents don’t see the real me—
Read more