Local Woman Insists She’s Not a Libra Despite Two Eyewitness Accounts Stating Otherwise

Gemima Langsboro caused quite an uproar in her small town of Starsville, CT, when she publicly denounced her Libra-hood on Monday, insisting that she was rather, a Virgo.  Despite two eyewitness accounts stating otherwise, she has held her ground, though her statements are contested by her Birth Certificate, Drivers License, Fake ID, Sephora Rewards Card, and numerous other forms of identification.

“I was standing by in the hospital room at 10:30 a.m. on September 23, 2000, when she came bursting out of her mother’s vagina,” father, John Langsboro, told our correspondent.

“It’s not like she was even born close to midnight,” mother, Susie Langsboro, continued. “We don’t understand.  We didn’t raise her this way.”

Gemima continues to assert her Virgo-hood, citing her independent nature, definitive quality of Earth signage, and affinity with such notable Virgos as Cameron Diaz, Queen Elizabeth I, and Mother Theresa. 

“I just feel like my parents don’t see the real me—and that’s not a fucking Libra,” Gemima told us.  “Do I look like some boring ass Librarian? Honestly I was probably switched at birth.”

Gemima claims that this change has nothing to do with stuck-in-the-90’s Emo-darling and local high school senior, Brad, a known Capricorn, publically stating, “all Libras are trash.”

However, since Gemima’s statement made local news, following her public announcement during Starsville High Cafeteria lunch on Monday, Brad has reportedly been spotted hanging around Gemima’s last class, brushing his hair over his black-lined eyes, and ripping holes in his jeans with a pair of scissors he claims to have stolen from the art room.

Meanwhile, neighbors have been picketing the Langsboro house, holding signs that bear such statements as: “U R a F***ing Libra,” “Fake Virgos: Get Out of Town,” and “Virg-hoe, please.”

“Starsville has always been a nice, quiet town, where people just don’t pose as a different Star sign,” one angry neighbor told us.  “Rising sign, maybe.  Moon sign, ok.  But faking your Star sign? That’s just…making a complete mockery of the institution of astrology.  Sacrilegious.”
 
Since the sign swap, friends say Gemima has gotten more into chokers, black nail polish, and Brad’s band, “Roadkill Trukz."

“As a Li--I mean a Virgo, I find the whole thing, really hurtful,” Gemima said, in a statement this morning.  “I have always loved Brad’s band, virginity, and sharing a birthday with…uh…the emperor Augustus?”

All we can say is, Mercury is in Retrograde, so we don’t think this storm is anywhere close to passing.  Is Gemima really a Libra or a Virgo?  At this point, we can only turn to the stars

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Woman’s Finger Permanently Shrivels After Fishing for her IUD for Over 4 Hours

Is There Water In Your Ear Or Are You Drunk?

Top 8 Ways To Make That Boy Like You