Local Woman Insists She’s Not a Libra Despite Two Eyewitness Accounts Stating Otherwise
Gemima Langsboro caused quite an uproar in her small
town of Starsville, CT, when she publicly denounced her Libra-hood on Monday,
insisting that she was rather, a Virgo.
Despite two eyewitness accounts stating otherwise, she has held her
ground, though her statements are contested by her Birth Certificate, Drivers
License, Fake ID, Sephora Rewards Card, and numerous other forms of
identification.
“I was standing by in the hospital room at 10:30 a.m.
on September 23, 2000, when she came bursting out of her mother’s vagina,”
father, John Langsboro, told our correspondent.
“It’s not like she was even born close to midnight,”
mother, Susie Langsboro, continued. “We don’t understand. We didn’t raise her this way.”
Gemima continues to assert her Virgo-hood, citing
her independent nature, definitive quality of Earth signage, and affinity with
such notable Virgos as Cameron Diaz, Queen Elizabeth I, and Mother
Theresa.
“I just feel like my parents don’t see the real me—and
that’s not a fucking Libra,” Gemima told us.
“Do I look like some boring ass Librarian? Honestly I was probably
switched at birth.”
Gemima claims that this change has nothing to do with
stuck-in-the-90’s Emo-darling and local high school senior, Brad, a known
Capricorn, publically stating, “all Libras are trash.”
However, since Gemima’s statement made local news,
following her public announcement during Starsville High Cafeteria lunch on
Monday, Brad has reportedly been spotted hanging around Gemima’s last class,
brushing his hair over his black-lined eyes, and ripping holes in his jeans
with a pair of scissors he claims to have stolen from the art room.
Meanwhile, neighbors have been picketing the Langsboro
house, holding signs that bear such statements as: “U R a F***ing Libra,” “Fake
Virgos: Get Out of Town,” and “Virg-hoe, please.”
“Starsville has always been a nice, quiet town, where
people just don’t pose as a different Star sign,” one angry neighbor told
us. “Rising sign, maybe. Moon sign, ok. But faking your Star sign? That’s just…making
a complete mockery of the institution of astrology. Sacrilegious.”
Since the sign swap, friends say Gemima has gotten
more into chokers, black nail polish, and Brad’s band, “Roadkill Trukz."
“As
a Li--I mean a Virgo, I find the whole thing, really hurtful,” Gemima said, in
a statement this morning. “I have always
loved Brad’s band, virginity, and sharing a birthday with…uh…the emperor
Augustus?”
All we can say is, Mercury is in
Retrograde, so we don’t think this storm is anywhere close to passing. Is Gemima really a Libra or a Virgo? At this point, we can only turn to the stars
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