Is There Water In Your Ear Or Are You Drunk?

So it’s been 2018 for a week now, and you’ve been noticing you’re having trouble walking in a straight line.  There are so many potential reasons for this—maybe you’re just a free spirit and straight lines are too rigid a path for you to cut! But ultimately, what it comes down to, is—are you sporting a small river of water in your right ear, or are you maybe drunk off your ass?

Have you gone Deep Sea Diving Recently?
A.   Yes, just last week!  Nothing like a tank of oxygen to get your heart pumping after that sea-weed-dick Brian left it crumpled and static!
B.    No, but I have been diving headfirst into Champagne fountains!

Do You Take Regular Baths?
A.   Yes, how best to relax after a year/lifetime of emotional labor but a good ol’ soak up to the eyeballs twice or five times a day?
B.    No, unless you mean drowning my sorrows in never ending Fish Bowls with the girls—in that case, yes!

Have you recently had a bucket of water dumped on your head?
A.   Yes, as the coach of a Middle School soccer team, I recently brought the team to victory, and had the resultant bucket of Pink Gatorade dumped on my head.  A girly twist on a classic!
B.    No, though I did do a keg stand last night, and the night before, with the girls! Always fun to relive sorority life when you’re reunited with your Delta Gammas!

Is there a leak right over your bed?
A.   Yes, there is a hole above my bed that I cannot bring myself to fix because it feels representative of my life.  Water often drips from it onto me throughout the night, so that I wake up feeling like a sexy lil fish!
B.    No, though I’ve gotten into a new Sleepytime Tea mixture recently, which is just Vodka, Gin, and Rum, heated up!

Have you been crying for so long that a pool of water forms around your conked-out head?
A.   Yes, I do this once a night to relieve stress and to lower my cholesterol by exhuming my body of excess salt!
B.    No, though I do often cry halfway through my karaoke rendition of “What Dreams Are Made Of.”  I don’t know how often this happens because I am always shit faced by the time karaoke comes out!

Mostly A’s: You have water in your ear! Turn your head to one side, jump up and down, and pound that annoying droplet of sea spit out of your head hole!  You’ll be walking runways again in no time!

Mostly B’s: You’re drunk!  Take a break from getting New-Bathroom Plastered, Gym-Boyfriend Smashed, or No-Solids-Diet Sauced, and try drying off for a day or so with a can of La Croix or at least a Bloody Mary to get yourself de-greased!


And remember, the answer could always be, C. Both!

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