Woman’s Finger Permanently Shrivels After Fishing for her IUD for Over 4 Hours

This past Wednesday Cassie Brown, a thirty-year-old publicist in the Chicago area, checked into the hospital with a completely shriveled finger. Brown’s shrunken digit was the result of a four-hour-long deep dive to feel for the bottom string of her IUD.

Brown felt prompted to search for the Intrauterine Device after a casual sexual encounter on Monday night. Brown recounted her decision, “We’ve been hooking up for a while. I trust him. I thought, why use a condom if I already have an IUD in?” Her sexual partner declined to comment, though evidence of their acquaintance does not go past one month ago.

“If it fell out I would have, like, seen it right?” Her roommates noted her yelling from the bathroom for several hours on Wednesday, “If I just go up a little bit more I’m sure it’s like right past that boney bit.” As night fell, her roommates were forced to enter the bathroom and bring Brown to a local ER. Brown’s legs had fallen asleep akimbo on the toilet, and her upper neck and back had begun to show signs of exhaustion.

Brown’s case is another instance in a recent uptick of what doctors are calling “Modern-day Monkey’s Paw.” This kind, clearly, does not grant wishes.

Dr. Castle, a leading researcher in this new disease, commented, “what we’re looking at is a process of premature mummification of living flesh, essentially the hand has given up on its function. It knows it will never find what it is looking for, it’s in a moist environment, thus the system shuts down.”

After a tiring session in the Emergency OR, surgeons were unable to revitalize Brown’s hand. A nurse in the room reported that unfortunately, Brown’s fruitless search lasted too long, and her finger would permanently feel super dry but also wet and slimy for the rest of her life.

There is light at the end of the tunnel: an OB-GYN examined Brown, confirming that in fact, the IUD had been just out of reach the entire time, right past the boney bit.